Imperialczarina's Xanga

The Village and the 'View

Mon, 14 May 2007 16:40:55 GMT

I wish a had a pair of tearaway pants. I'd put Stevie Wonder's "As" on the stereo, crank the living shit out of it and jump up on the kitchen counter and groove... then at 4:22 into the song I'd rip the pants off, probably scream like James Brown and then pop a bottle of champers and throw it everywhere. Of course there'd have to be a room full of people while I'm doing this otherwise it's just a fucking waste. Cannons firing glitter would be great too. Oh.. and I need a hype man too to shout "WHAT!? YEEEEAAAHHHH!"

Ughhh, this is fuggin' BALLS. Being in a good mood is shitty for business... if your business is writing twatty, irritable blog entries that barely anyone reads anymore.

Oh ok, here's a pissy note - yesterday was Mother's Day and I had to work at the restaurant. My reservation sheet was completely full - party of 10, party of 18, party of 12...etc. On top of this, the phone is ringing off the hook and on the other line (invariably) is some shitty bitch who completely forgot to book a table at a legitimate, nice brunch spot. So I'm having to explain in mock-politeness to some dullard that NO, I do not have room for a party of 11 people coming in half an hour. So sorry about that... well no I do not know about the wait at any other restaurants in the area because frankly I work HERE and you can go render yourself infertile.

Had I not been in a really good mood I probably would have grabbed a menu and slapped someone in the face with it. Then I would have been restrained, and promptly fired...and banned from the establishment.

But reeeeally, who the FUCK takes their mother out to a burger joint on Mother's Day?! "Here ya go ma, have some beer battered onion rings served on a spike with a side of ranch. I sure do love you." That said... I think we have the best onion rings in the world. I'd be happy to duke it out. Any dissenters?

Poncey quasi-emo blogetry

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 20:41:19 GMT

This entry was written on the back of a Grunts To-Go order form.

1. I haven't had comments in two entries. But people are still reading this cack because one of my friends made a reference to my last entry last night. So I'm not mad, just...(sigh)disappointed with you guys. Heh. Seriously, I might give up soon. I've been thinking about shutting this down and moving to a different - more grownup- blog. Dunno, I'm lazy it may not happen.
2. I like driving through the ghetto these days because every single dude I pass is wearing the most awesome hoodie ever. All the oversize ones that covered with bright, happy print...so cool! I guess it makes me happy because it makes all the westside thugs seem a bit more pleasant.
3. Alpana Singh was in the restaurant the other day to do a wine tasting with the servers. I wish I was cool and could tell people I was a sommelier instead of a secretary/hostess.
4. It's not kind to make fun of the mentally ill but it is funny, you must admit. Well for some it is, myself included. You see working as a hostess can be very dull indeed when we're not busy. Luckily the restaurant is situated very near to a "Care in the Community" house on Clark Street or "Nuts on Clark" as we affectionately call it. They always find their way into the restaurant, invariably do something questionable...asked politely to leave by one of the managers. They all have their nicknames too. My favourite is Knee Brace Lady. She always wears a turquoise and purple jogging suit, has scary acryllic nails, no less than 3 knee braces and one crutch, frizzy dyed magenta hair. Comes hobblin' in saying "Thank you! Thank you! Do you still have caviar!? Where can I get some!? Thank you! Can I use the bathroom? Thank you!" They all Loooove our bathroom, I don't know why. It's not very nice, really small.
5. We have this cop that comes in a lot that I think patrols the zoo across the street. His method of transport is a segway - which is freaking awesome, but I cannot take anyone seriously on one of those things. But those things cook! Really. I wish I had one.
6. Shoe and I have decided to participate in the Big Wheel Pub Crawl which involves riding around Six Corners in Wicker Park on a Big Wheel to raise money for Children's Memorial Hospital. Fuck yeah. Join in!

So yeah...that's what I got. Where's my damn comments?

Annoying Katie Hodges is like shooting fish in a barrel

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 18:15:18 GMT

This week's annoyances - Special Edition "Things that morons say"

1. People who say "If you've got something to say, say it to my face!" Ugh. Essentially all this means is "I don't like it when you say bad things about me when I'm not there so instead of coming up with a clever retort I'll just use this trite line with undertones of aggression."

2. "Kthanxbye" ... the 'omg' of 2007. People who say this probably have a myspace background that causes seizures.

3. People who call up the restaurant while I'm working and ask for bizarre directions. You wouldn't believe the number of people who think that Hostess = Mapquest. Fuck off. No, I don't know how to get to the restaurant from the corner of Highland and Ardmore in Villa Park nor do I have time to ask a fucking manager when I've got 6 parties coming through the door, the other line on hold, and the bitch at the table behind me grabbing me by the wrist to ask "Miss!! Miss!! How much is the salad bar?" when I already gave her a fucking menu with all the prices clearly stated... die in a fire.

4. Girls who tout themselves as the "Queen of the Blow Job" (and a LOT of chicks do this). You're either a big ole' slut who's trained herself not to have a gag reflex or you're just able to get your boyfriend off and he's vocal about it. Seriously, the only REAL Queens of the Blow Job are gay men. Go to them for advice on how to perfect your hummer and not some white girl from the burbs who read too much Cosmo growing up.

5. People who still think that this country shouldn't have more gun control and openly talk about it. I guess they must not show the news inside your colon.

The harder they come, the harder they fall. One and all.

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 02:59:15 GMT

There's something truly disheartening about looking at yourself in the mirror each day for 4 straight days and thinking to yourself, "This is the WORST I have ever looked in my entire life."
Saturday night, I went to bed with a slight tickle in my throat and I awoke at 4am on Easter Sunday sick as a fucking pike. No visit from the Easter Bunny for poor Katie... just the Flu Fairy. Yes, influenza had taken a hold of me by the jaws and then shat down my throat. This was going to be a magical holiday.

Not to whinge on and on though, I've been in Sycamore for the past 3 days feeling poorly and being looked after. Today I had to go back to work (but to be honest, I'm still not 100% - if I saw me working in a restaurant I was about to eat in, I'd promptly turn around and walk out)... working in the service business blows. Especially when you're ill because it means that one of your nice coworkers has to come in on their day off and cover your ass. And then you feel guilty AND sick.

I'm on this stuff that they give people when they get bird flu. No lie. I'm on the mend and hopefully by the end of the weekend I won't frighten small children anymore. On the plus side, having the flu fucks with your appetite so you only want to eat about a third of what you normally eat! Not quite as good as having a tapeworm but you get the idea.

Time to sleep for 15 hours.

The word of the day is Pedantic

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 14:45:00 GMT

I always knew I could count on the DU Star to be dull as shit but apparently now I can also count on them to make glaring spelling errors in the fucking headlines!! Can you spot it? Just leave me a note with the misspelled word and you win a prize.

Other (very commonly made) spelling errors the annoy the living hell out of me include ...

1. Weird spelled as "wierd". Freaking everybody does this one. Look, I know it's pronounced like "wee-erd" a bit but you should know by now that English is a strange language and we don't always get to spell things phonetically. Christ's cock and balls... this is the worst.

2. Definitely as "definately".... arrrghhhhhhhhh. Think of the word "finite" when you're spelling this are you'll never forget again.

3. Separate as "seperate" or "seprate"

4. Surprise as "suprise"... I do this one a lot.

5. Signs up in public places with word misuse. Example the Jewel on Ashland and Paulina has a sign that reads "Carts may only be used buy customers."

Got any others?

Yes I have a vagina, but no I don't really want to talk about it.

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 12:32:42 GMT

I feel like the only feminist in the world that can't fucking bear The Vagina Monologues. At first I thought it was just that I didn't like twatty Eve Ensler and her perpetually smug face and helmet hair... but then I realized it's because I'm a sex-positive feminist who doesn't feel the need to go ON AND FUCKING ON about her bits and how she likes to touch herself in order to feel empowered. Euuurghhh. It's done and dusted. We all do it... if you don't you're either 1. Lying 2. An Idiot or 3. Asexual. Unless I ask you directly, I don't wanna know!

I'm not about to lambaste you if it's your thing. I mean being a feminist and liking The Vagina Monologues beats the hell out of being a conservative fucktard who thinks that ladies shouldn't masturbate lest they grown hair on their palms and intercourse is for the sanctity of marriage and if do it you're going to HELL.

And yeah, I've actually seen the VM and I just felt like it was something my mother would go to see with a pack of her post-menopausal New Age lady friends. I guess it just wasn't for me. Reactions?

The Morning After

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 18:45:10 GMT

Ahh! This is great! I am in the best mood ever. I haven't felt this good for a long, long time - not without substance anyways.

Watch this video. Yes, it's pop music and it's sure to get overplayed as hell but it perfectly sums up how I feel right now.

Fuck! Now I have to go to work, I guarantee I won't come home feeling this nice. Ah well.

EVEN MORE Love it/Hate its

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 20:46:09 GMT

Love it
1. Letizia's Natural Bakery It takes two minutes to walk there from my place. The coffee machine is HOT (all retro and glowing)
2. Being pretentious as fuck. Not even joking. Meet me at Danny's and lets talk about our side projects while we listen to "Ask" by The Smiths and drink Chimay.
3. Mr. Rochester. My prototype for what a man should be. Total fucking broody asshole 90% of the time, the other 10%... a saint. If you don't understand this reference, you're just not very literary are you?
4. My cat, Teki/Lord Vader/Buddy/Snotball. Poor thing doesn't quite have an official name. Only cat in the world who can sneeze 15 times in row (no exaggeration) and then still be cute as hell.
5. Assassin! this Saturday. Holy freaking GOD.

Hate it
1. Morbidly obese people who come to my restaurant and can't jam their wide ass in a booth and look at me with eyes of flame. Look, lady, I'm sorry you ate yourself into oblivion. Our boothes are huge and if you can't fit perhaps you should consider eating at a restaurant that doesn't specialize in comfort food. And yes, I yes I am a restaurant hostess. Respect, man. (I am the underachieving Lester Burnham of my generation. I want a job with the least amount of responsibility ever. I think I may have found it.)
2. Dim-witted Queen Bee slagbags who are a little too big for their britches (STILL!)Thank you for reading. Have fun dragging your boyfriend around by the cock and then go die in a fire. And leave my friends alone before I decide to get out the big guns. And please don't comment in agreement on entries that were written about you.
3. People who make that disgusting throat scraping/snarfing noise. Some gross old "mature student" ho is doing that in the computer lab where I'm writing this. I will fucking end you. Or better yet, I'll make the same exact noise but 80 times worse. SNOOOOOOOORRTTTTTeh! Oh holy hell, she just looked over here! Haha!
4. How amazing Taco Bell tastes. It's so bad but so tasty. On St. Patrick's day I got too fucked to move (hey, you need to celebrate St. Paddy's day with some green, right?) and my impaired ass HAD to be driven to The Only Taco Bell in the City so I'd shut the hell up. "Taco Bell! Taco Bell! Taco Beh-heh-ellll"
5. Khaki pants. Don't.

Pain. Will you return it? I'll say it again. Pain.

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 23:56:43 GMT

Is it wrong to be able to envision yourself partying for the next 5 straight years? I hope not. I'm not ready to stand on any pedestals in David's Bridal....show my friends my gawdy fucking marquise cut diamond engagment rock.... think about owning a condo in Lakeview.... set foot in Babies 'R Us .....have Moms' Luncheons at Olive Garden.... bleh. Not for me. I mean - if it's your thing, help yourself. Live long and prosper and all that shit. But while you're sitting there wondering if you should serve chicken vesuvio or grilled salmon at your wedding dinner - I'll be wondering whether to wear my gold hoops or my massive silver wing earrings. When you're hiking up your train so you can cut a rug to "Love Shack" - I'll be screaming at my friends to "Let me know if my tit pops out, OK?" while I tear shit up to "Radio Fireworks". And finally while you're waking up at 2am to feed your infant - I'll still be three sheets to the wind at some poncey club. To each his own right? Now taking applications for this year's protégé. I've taught Wee Wee all I know now. Pass that torch.

Arghh! You know what I remembered today? People who put blacklights under their car - so when they drove around at night there'd be this lurid purple glow on the street. Why?! What the fuck is the purpose of that? "Hey look! It's like I'm riding on MAGIC! Ooooooh." That makes about as much sense as putting a dick in your ear.

Hey! I got a new job too. It involves milkshakes. No I'm not serving them either. What? Do you think I work at Steak 'n Shake? See me for details.

The fourth roommate

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 04:43:44 GMT

There's been a new addition to the Stormy Garcia household.

A big gray lovely cat named Sonotheque... we call him Teki. He's probably the friendliest cat in the Chicagoland area. Please come and meet him!